No, really, I am. And I'm a better wife, daughter, granddaughter, and friend. Don't believe me, ask the people that know. No lie... 3 months after losing my job, my best friend told me I was I nicer person. Wasn't really sure how to take that at the time, but I get it now.
Last Thursday, Preston and I were on our way to school and MOPS. It had been a ridiculously busy morning. I am not a morning person... at all. Never have been. (Which, that's one of my favorite things about staying home... no alarm clocks! (except on Sunday morning)) So, of course, I couldn't drag myself out of bed early enough. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to feeding a new baby and calculating that time into my "get ready" total. So, of course we were late. I had invited a couple of people to MOPS, so I needed to be there to meet them before MOPS started... at 9:15. Preston's school starts at 9. We got in the truck at 8:57. Needless to say we weren't there on time. When I got the boys loaded in the truck, I was frazzled. I had been rushing to get us all ready to be on time, and now we weren't going to, plus I had left my phone... which, one of my friends was going to call when she got to MOPS for me to meet her.
Going through all of this in my mind and sulking in my frustration, Preston starts talking to me. And I mean really talking. It was "Mommy, this... Mommy, that... Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" I was about to lose it, and I did for about a second. I raised my voice, and then I realized... this is not his fault. It's not his fault I wanted to sleep 10 more minutes instead of getting up and getting them ready so we wouldn't be late. It's not his fault my phone is still plugged up on the charger on my bedside table. It's not him... it's me.
I immediately flash back to when I worked. I thought about taking him to Pam's everyday, picking him up every night, and being frustrated... a lot. And being upset with him... a lot. And not enjoying my child... a lot. And it was all me. I couldn't turn it (my job) off. I couldn't turn the stress off, and he was the one that had to deal with it. Talk about guilt setting in. It immediately changed my attitude. I told him I was sorry for being short with him, then we had our prayer that we have when we're on our way to school, and things were better. A lot better. It made me realize how different my life is now... how much better my life is now.
Don't get me wrong... there are days when I wish I had a job. I see how quickly we're outgrowing our house, and I think, "if I only had my job" we could get a bigger one. I think about going shopping at Stein Mart like I used to (when I had a closet full of clothes with the tags still on that I didn't wear ) and think if I had a job, I could do that. We could buy a boat for the cabin my parents just bought, we could go on vacation, we could do a lot of things. But you know what? If my job meant being able to do all these things, but not having a good relationship with my children because I couldn't focus on them, then I'll take being jobless. I'll take my life exactly how it is... I would take living in a card board box and eating Ramen noodles 3 times a day if it means I can be a good mom, totally focused on my kids.
For some people, they can turn it off. To you, I say congratulations. You're fortunate. I didn't have an office where I could leave it, and I'm sure I probably put more pressure on myself than was necessary, but that's just how I operated. And because of that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful God knew better than I did. That He has made (and continues to make) me the mother I need to be... fully dependent on and totally devoted to Him.
Last Thursday, Preston and I were on our way to school and MOPS. It had been a ridiculously busy morning. I am not a morning person... at all. Never have been. (Which, that's one of my favorite things about staying home... no alarm clocks! (except on Sunday morning)) So, of course, I couldn't drag myself out of bed early enough. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to feeding a new baby and calculating that time into my "get ready" total. So, of course we were late. I had invited a couple of people to MOPS, so I needed to be there to meet them before MOPS started... at 9:15. Preston's school starts at 9. We got in the truck at 8:57. Needless to say we weren't there on time. When I got the boys loaded in the truck, I was frazzled. I had been rushing to get us all ready to be on time, and now we weren't going to, plus I had left my phone... which, one of my friends was going to call when she got to MOPS for me to meet her.
Going through all of this in my mind and sulking in my frustration, Preston starts talking to me. And I mean really talking. It was "Mommy, this... Mommy, that... Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" I was about to lose it, and I did for about a second. I raised my voice, and then I realized... this is not his fault. It's not his fault I wanted to sleep 10 more minutes instead of getting up and getting them ready so we wouldn't be late. It's not his fault my phone is still plugged up on the charger on my bedside table. It's not him... it's me.
I immediately flash back to when I worked. I thought about taking him to Pam's everyday, picking him up every night, and being frustrated... a lot. And being upset with him... a lot. And not enjoying my child... a lot. And it was all me. I couldn't turn it (my job) off. I couldn't turn the stress off, and he was the one that had to deal with it. Talk about guilt setting in. It immediately changed my attitude. I told him I was sorry for being short with him, then we had our prayer that we have when we're on our way to school, and things were better. A lot better. It made me realize how different my life is now... how much better my life is now.
Don't get me wrong... there are days when I wish I had a job. I see how quickly we're outgrowing our house, and I think, "if I only had my job" we could get a bigger one. I think about going shopping at Stein Mart like I used to (when I had a closet full of clothes with the tags still on that I didn't wear ) and think if I had a job, I could do that. We could buy a boat for the cabin my parents just bought, we could go on vacation, we could do a lot of things. But you know what? If my job meant being able to do all these things, but not having a good relationship with my children because I couldn't focus on them, then I'll take being jobless. I'll take my life exactly how it is... I would take living in a card board box and eating Ramen noodles 3 times a day if it means I can be a good mom, totally focused on my kids.
For some people, they can turn it off. To you, I say congratulations. You're fortunate. I didn't have an office where I could leave it, and I'm sure I probably put more pressure on myself than was necessary, but that's just how I operated. And because of that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful God knew better than I did. That He has made (and continues to make) me the mother I need to be... fully dependent on and totally devoted to Him.